Monday, June 21, 2010

The other F word

Face book! OK, don't get me wrong.  I don't hate it.  I just don't understand it and it often leaves me just frightened and confused.  I have sort of been involved for about a year so I have given much more time than I give other things before I pass judgement and make fun of them.  So, the thing is...3 of my face book friends are actually the smartest people I know, I mean like way smart.  Because of this, in the back of my mind I know there is something awesome about face book and I obviously don't get it yet. Mom used to say "make believe until you come to believe" So I will  play along a little longer. 
I was reading some comments today and found out that Jill likes Daph's picture.  Well, ya...what is she gonna say?  I have some ideas for comments that might help me relate to face book better. 
"Jennifer does not like Kelcie's picture and thinks her kid looks like a monkey"
"Diane IS NOT friends with Lisa who is the same freak she was in high school, She just friended her to check out to see if she ended up looking like Ernest Borgnine. "
And, do I really need an e-mail to alert me that Dave likes a picture of the co-worker of my second cousin twice removed on his recent trip to Lego Land.  I don't think so...
And, I am not so socially messed up that I can't find my own friends.  I have been doing it for years with amazing success.  I actually got an e-mail urging me to help Mary Alice find friends.  Really?  That is my daughter you are talking about, Bozo!  She has plenty of friends.
OH! OH! and just for the record, I got up at 5:30 every morning and milked a cow and/or changed sprinklers and chased pigs until well after I was married.  I don't even know what this bizarre farm thing is, but I will have no part of it!!!
One more thing...poke???
"Laura thinks Liz is bitter."
For as long as I remember there have been three separate parts of my life, my work, my family and my friends and I have been very content venting about these groups to the other groups.  Well, now thanks to some "no talent a$$ clown", they are all in one place.  What next?  A service that puts a camera in your laptop and lets you talk to people face to face?  For the love of all things human!  Make it stop! Trust me, I do not need another electronic invention to distract me...oh look a kitty...what was I saying? 
So why do I do it? Why do I sign in every day?  Because it fascinates me.  Because all the smart and pretty people are doing it.   I have been out of the loop for fifteen years and in 1 month I have caught up with friends and family I haven't seen in ages.  Do I love it? Yes.  Will I continue to mock it?  Absolutely!  And if the face book god's smile upon me, one day I will become a believer.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

What's that noise?

...Oh, its me.  It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep...again.  This is happening a lot these days since I discovered the Internet and YouTube. Yes, I catch on slowly, but it looks like the web is here to stay so I am 100% on board.  Unfortunately, my poor sweet husband is what we in the slacker community refer to as a "morning person".  You know the kind...gets out of bed...for good.  He goes to bed every night at 10 and gets up every morning a little before 6 like clockwork.  He has no idea that most nights Ringo (the cat) and I wander through the house for hours looking for something to entertain us.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I was creeping through the house looking for my headphones,  I had to move slowly because I don't have  cat vision and for some reason there is always a 10 lb weight on the floor somewhere.  I think that is why Frankenstein walked so funny, so he wouldn't stub his toe.  Anyway, I was rummaging around by the bed and Jared woke up and I said hello and then he said "I wonder what keeps waking us up."  Uh... ok.  Seriously?   I assumed that each time he woke up he made a mental note that I was the one who had disturbed his sleep.  Not so.  Well, I'm not going to tell him.  He will take away my computer!  Surf's up dude!!!

A SEED WAS PLANTED...

A few months ago, Emily brought home a little plant in a foam cup that she had planted at school.  For 6 years one of these has come home in the spring time with one of the children.  No big deal, I know the gig.  It gets watered for a little while, then life or work or something gets in the way and a few weeks later I find a little brown pile of leaves and I chuck the plant.  Game on.  I put the little plant in the window and watered it from time to time whenever I was in the kitchen.  About a month ago Alex mentioned that the plant was too big for the cup so I put it in a larger container.  In the back of my mind I thought to myself that this plant had lasted much longer than the others had.  I guess it was pretty sturdy little plant to withstand us. I didn't think much more about it until this morning. 

I still didn't really think much about it until we were talking about how big this plant was and Emily said,
"Mom, you are home to take care of it." 
I was stunned.  I almost missed it.  What an amazing lesson my kids taught me about nourishment and care.  I struggle with a lot of the aspects of being a mom.  Some days are just plain hit and miss, but this flower represents so much more than an annoying little school project.  I look at it as a gentle reminder from God that every day is a chance to get better at it and to learn.

I dedicate this post to my little sunflowers.  I am here, I love you, and I will take care of you.

Love, Mom:)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Staples? We don't need no stinkin' staples!

OK, I'm all better now.  As we are getting ready move soon, I am trying to bring as few items into the house as possible.  We are sort of eating like bachelors as to not fill the house with extra stuff to move.  Well, as a result the cupboards are bare...I mean bare, so I was talking to Gatekeeper about shopping and I mentioned that I would pick up some staples on the way home.  Disgusted, Mary said, "We don't need staples, we need FOOD!  I love my kids. 

With the added energy I got from my little tirade yesterday, I decided to work on some other projects, one of which required scissors.  I looked for a good hour for a pair of scissors with no luck.  For some reason, there is not a single pair of scissors in the house.  I wondered why this was, and then I remembered:

2008-2010


Emily scissor hands!!!

The poor thing has cut her bangs every year for the last 3 years, usually right before class pictures.  So I gave up and got rid of all the scissors:)
We'll try again next year.


Monday, June 14, 2010

DO I LOOK LIKE A B@$&H?

Today started much like most of the other days started since I quit my job.  After listening to my husband gripe about money, I ventured into the kitchen and noticed that it was a mess... again.  I'm okay with that.  I made myself some oatmeal and got a coke and went back into my dark bedroom where I spend much of my time these days.  Some people call it depression, I call it Monday.  Anyway, after getting a call from my mother in law I felt a tad motivated to do something, so I went into my living room to start picking up.  My kids were watching tv so I couldn't really do much in that zone of hell, so I went to the laundry room. Oh, back up.  Why don't you have your kids help?  Really?  Ok, well another thing that I have discovored on this journey is that I can't deal with my kids.  I lack that certain skill set.  They do whatever they want, when every they want and I still let them go to their friends house and play so I can spend more time in my dark room.  So I went to use the utility room bathroom and it didn't flush...no fear I took off the top so I could fish around for the chain as I have been trained BECAUSE NOTHING EVER WORKS IN OUR FLIPPING HOUSE, only to find that there was no water in which to fish. 

boom...

Thats ok, I'm sure the gatekeeper can fix it.  So I continued on.  I went to start sweeping the clothes on the floor...what? you dont sweep your clothes? I started sweeping the clothes and GK came in and asked me why I was crying.  I hadn't noticed.  I told him about the toilet, to which he promptly replied, "Oh, I shut the water off to it because no one ever uses it."  And then came my favorite!  "I'm so sorry, that's my fault."  Ya, dumb a! It's your fault.  I of course didn't say that because that's something that someone with another skill set would say.  I wen't on sweeping and then for the third time this month...the broom broke in half.

BOOM!!!!

I have a skill set.  It's watching movies and quoting movies and watching more movies.  It was at this moment that I thought of one of my favorite movies Pulp Fiction and said to myself "What would Mr. Wallis do?"  Well, in the movie, he would call upon one of his "pipe hittin'...friends to get a blow torch and a pair of pliers" to take care of someone who had upset him, and "get medevil on yo a$$!" 

I guess that is what some would call an epiphany.  I marched outside and got the big trash can...ya, the one by the street, and brought it into the room of the primary offenders, those who had trashed their room, poked holes in the walls, writen in their closets...I started sweeping with my little tragic broom, and together we threw it all in the garbage can.  ALL OF IT!  The sad little doll that hasn't been played with since the Clinton administration, the endless piece of crap pictures and cut outs and crayons and barbie shoes and the...forks and plates?  What the hell?!  Anyway.  I got rid of all of it...most of it...I saw them  poking their heads from behind the barbie house, looking at me as if to say "you wouldn't dare!"  O I would, and I did.  I threw away the barbie orgy!  FREEDOM.

I had the gatekeeper take the garbage can back out to the street.  Then I took my final step into my new bad ass world and dumped the litter box on top of it.  It aint comin back! 

Oh darn.  My kids are crying.  I wonder why.  Better check it out}:)

Monday, June 7, 2010

A BEAUTIFUL DAY

What a beautiful weekend we had.  My sweet niece, Afton was baptized on Sunday and almost all my sissy in laws were here.  It was great to see them.  But let me back up.  Mary came home from camp on Friday and told me all about it.  It's great to have her back.  Things seem to have changed since I went to camp back in the 80's.  They went to heber valley and stayed in CABINS! What's that all about?  They got to go on zip lines and do all sorts of fun stuff.  Really? I don't know, but she seemed to have fun.  I don't know if she learned how to cook an entire meal in tin foil like I did, or if she can save any ones life, but by darn, she can zip down a cable to their safety and sing songs to any injured party if she has too.  I make fun, but she came back with wonderful and spiritual stories of her time there, and that is what it's all about. 

So, a few weeks ago when I was working, I got into a knock down, drag out with my boss, Summers Eve, and afterwards took a short break to talk to my husband.  He was well aware of the situation there and had always been very supportive.  Things had mounted to the point where work had become unbearable.  Not only did I work for the grand master douche, but I was not ever seeing my kids.  I would work until 11 o'clock and they would be asleep when I got home, and I would barely be awake when they left in the morning.  Well, taking all that into consideration, I asked Jared if I could quit. He very compassionately said yes.  I gave notice and, well, here we are.  About 10 minutes after I worked my last shift, Jared started asking me when I was planning to go back. 
"I quit"
"Ya, but you're still going to work, right?"
"Uh, no. I quit"
"Oh."
This is now pretty much the conversation I have with him just about every day.  Oops. So, I mustered up some giblets and suggested that he perhaps pick up some extra time at his job or, heaven forbid, he get another job.  Mumble mumble, he is working today on his day off.  Let the games begin. I guess I better get this house spic and span!
There's a new grand master in town:)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

HEADLINE: 2012 NOT THE END OF THE WORLD

I was awakened this morning by my very relived and happy 7-year old.
"MOM?!"
"Yes"
"Did you know that 2012 is not going to be the end of the world?"
"How do you know that?" 
"Because the calendar on Mary's phone goes all the way to 2099!"

You gotta love Emily.  All statements from her always begin the same way.
"Guess what?  Did you know?..."

This has been a great week, Mainly because Mary is at camp, but also because I have made significant progress cleaning my house.  In the 2 weeks I have been home I have cleaned 1 room.  I am very proud...  I was very proud, that is, until I talked to my mother in law.  It was around 8 am and I was sitting drinking a diet coke, watching TMZ like I do most mornings when Alice called to inform me that she had been up since 5, Walked, worked out at the gym with her husband, done 3 loads of clothes (and she actually puts her stuff in drawers and closets), made her bed, paid the bills and read her scriptures.  For those of you who doubt this, I have verified.  Trust me, no BS there.  She really does all that.  This is why I tend to give up easily.  There is no way, no matter how much training or humiliating experiences I endure, that I will every have it together like that.  But, in my defense, I can name all of the Kardashian sisters have been fully briefed on all must-have items for summer.  Take that Alice:)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A MORMON GOT MY BABY!!!

Our little girl is growing up.  I dropped Mary off at 5 a.m. to leave for camp.  My normally non morning person of a daughter was ready to go at 4:00, about the time I stumbled out of bed barely able to see. It's amazing to watch your kids grow up.  I must thank Summers Eve (my former boss) for being too special for me to be able to work with.  It was so much fun hanging out with her.  She woke up with the hick-ups, and spent the morning griping about it, so I did what any normal mom would do...I screamed and slammed on the breaks in the middle of the road.  The hick ups stopped :)

We had a parting hot chocolate at Maverick and were able to visit for a while until I dropped her off at her designated spot...and then she was gone.  It was a lot like kindergarten without the tears, just the melancholy.  As much as I make fun of my chosen religion, I was able to drive away with confidence that she would be back n a week a better, stronger girl.  I love you Mary. I will miss you!

school's out for the summer

   After about 2 weeks of catching up on my sleep and my tivo shows, I decided I had stalled long enough.  I ventured out of my room and went into the living room.. I was shocked.  The mess was not something my simple children could have pulled off.  this was a professional hit.  Things were knocked over, the cushions were off the couch, ALL of my laundry was on the floor in suspicious piles.  The hit man even left his calling card.  there was a smiley face made out of mashed potatoes on the window.  It was like a scene out of a movie.  My head was spinning and my life flashed before my eyes as potato face mocked me in the window and I the backyardagains played in the background. 
.............I'll try again tomorrow.


I

THE COPS HAVE RAIDED MY HOUSE!!!!!

That's the only plausible explanation!  I can't possibly have raised a family of hideous slobs.  I can't possibly be one myself.  There is just no way.   I decided that I had to start seriously working as a "good mom" this morning instead of the usual morning routine of "Mom! I need clothes!"
"just get some out of the clean smelling pile"
"there is no clean smelling pile"
"okay...bring me the febreze..."

As I sat in my bed deciding how to best tackle the house I decided to make contact with my conscience who currently resides in vernal.  I sent a text to daph, my sister, as to how to best start getting control of my house.  I sent her a text requesting a game plan...her game plan?  "watch some TV."  I love that woman. 

I can do this.  I am an educated woman!  I have the capacity to figure out how to get the house clean.  I will start with the sink. i read somewhere that if you start to clean with the sink then...ooooo Dr oz is on.....