I GOT SCHOOLED!!!

Howdy.  Before I tell you about the last month of  my life, let me go back a few years for background purposes.  I had a great mom.  She died in 2003 after a long bout with trying to ruin my life.  I won.  I was raised well.  I was well educated, I learned about the arts from a very early age.  I think my sisters would agree that we were probably the only girls around who would recite Shakespeare while milking the cow.  We would bottle peaches and listen to classical music.  She took me to church every week, and as a result, I am an active member of my local church and have, what I believe to be, a very good life.  Thank you, Mom.  However, today we are talking about housework.  I don't know what really happened there.  My mom was well into her eating popcorn/reading the Enquirer phase when I would have been learning about housekeeping skills.  Her only instruction to me was "That house better be cleaned when I get home or you are grounded."  This was not much help. 

Fast forward 20 years and I find myself with a husband and 3 kids who eat food and wear clothes.  After the rude awakening my departure from the workforce caused, I tried to get a handle on the whole house work thing.  It has been rough.  If you hadn't noticed I have been in a bit of a mental slump of late, so imagine my horror when I remembered that my sister was coming to stay with me for a month.  To my credit, She had a nice cool clean room and a bathroom...that she shared with all my girls.  It went down hill from there.  I think the low point of the trip was when I texted her one morning from my room to hers that there was grape jelly and tortillas if she wanted anything for breakfast.  Ya...so sad.  I think Daph realized she was going to be at my house for a while, and having had a similar breakdown years ago, decided to help.  She carefully dragged me into the kitchen and said  "Do one load of clothes and one load of dishes today."  Hey, I can do that.  So, day after day we went through this and things started to improve.  Then one morning she came into my room and asked me where I kept my 'extra sheets'.  I looked at her with a blank stare.  "What do you mean...extra?"  "WHERE ARE THE EXTRA SHEETS?!"  she said. (like yelling is going to help)  "I don't have any." I said timidly, knowing the wrath soon to come my way.  "How do you wash your sheets?"  " We take them off on Saturday and wash them and put them back on."  Bear in mind, at this point I think she is nuts.  Who has extra sheets?  What next?...extra towels...pillowcases?  Where does it end?  So she tenderly sat me down and explained to me what normal housewives do.  It was alot like the time my folks told me about the birds and the bee's.  It sounded bizarre and logistically impossible and why would anyone want to do this? 

I now have extra sheets.  Thank you Daph.  Now, don't get me wrong I do have some housekeeping skills.  I clean faster than just about anyone I know.  Growing up we never had any kind of cleaning schedule, certainly not the militant set up the Heaton's had.  It was more like Armageddon cleaning.  So, if I had to clean, someone was coming over, I wanted someone to come over, or the house was being appraised.  I am fast but not consistent.  The story of my life.

This story has a happy ending.  My sister finally went home, the house was clean and I have come up with some kind of schedule.  It's not perfect.  Sometimes we just go play, after the dishes are loaded.  In fact!  I have given up most of my evil vices, coke and ativan and we found a house.  All is not lost.  Just for fun I went to my mother in law's (the perfect housewife...no really) house to see if she had these "phantom extra sheets" Daph claims everyone has.  Yup...about 40 sets.  Schooled again.  Bummer. 

I spoke to my wise brother-in-law, Brandon today.  We discussed how we don't want our kids to end up with some of our more hideous traits.  He mentioned that we merely have to evolve.  Do better than our parents did or follow in their steps concerning things that went well.  OK.  I can do this.  For heck's sake, I can milk a cow and recite Shakespeare.  Evolving is a piece of cake.